I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
