I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
