Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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