I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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