my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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