She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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