Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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