I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
