He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
