Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
