sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
