Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My dick has a subreddit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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