Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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