It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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