listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
