That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
