i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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