my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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