Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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