it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
