her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
