I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
