I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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