yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
