mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
