dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
