I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I supernannyed him into submission
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
