I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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