so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
did you just send me my own nude
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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