Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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