mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
