I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
