I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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