I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
