What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
