FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
