I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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