So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
