He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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