Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
