I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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