Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
