I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
