You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
