She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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