I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
