My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
