I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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