Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
