i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
